2 facts:
1) I have a very strong guilt complex, I always have.
2) I have a baby
These 2 facts combine to create a
NASTY case of "Mommy Guilt". I probably need to throw another fact in there....I have women issues. I know I'm not alone, lots of us do...you might. Why do we do this? Why do we compete with each other instead of embracing each other? Why do we tend to cut each other down, even if only in our heads, instead of build each other up? Why are we not Champions for other women? Why do we not stand in the gap for our fellow women when we all know we're each fighting some kind of battle & could certainly use the reinforcements! Well, whatever the reason, I don't like it & I'm not playing that crap anymore. Mostly because it's stupid and exhausting but also because I have a
daughter and I don't want her playing that crap either.
Now, with my guilt complex, my women issues and my mommy guilt, I'm planning a party. Not just any party.....A 1st BIRTHDAY PARTY. Oh goodness. I wanted to throw Ella a wonderful yet tastefully simple party. No theme. No gifts. Easy enough right? Wrong. I felt myself having to explain why I wanted this, why this is what I thought was best. I shouldn't have to justify why I want to throw my daughter a simple,
themeless birthday party just like another mom shouldn't have to justify
why she wants to throw an over the top (so to speak), all out
celebration theme birthday party. But that's exactly what I was doing.....comparing Ella's party to every other party I've seen, or read a blog post about, or a friend was planning. Seriously?
I have been stressing about this party for weeks! Searching pinterest for just the right thing for Ella's party. The perfect decoration that matches what I have envisioned in my head. Justifying, to only myself at times, why this was best. Then I realized why I feel so guilty, why I want everything to be perfect. When I came to my realization, I sat down and wrote to my daughter. Several weeks ago I created a blog where I write to her (and her siblings to follow) so if dementia claims my mind, as it did my mother's and her mother's, she knows the stories, she won't have to wonder. I didn't want to share the blog, but I'll share
this post. Maybe someone else is going through this or something like it or maybe you'll just end up knowing me a little better.
So I'm trying to quiet the mommy guilt and the women issues. Trying to be kinder to other women, but mostly trying to be kinder to myself. I think I'll be a better mommy when I don't feel so guilty about everything. I think I'll raise a healthier daughter.
In the end, when all the parties are history and the themes are just faint memories, isn't that what we're all trying to do.....raise healthy, happy adults with strong character that will contribute something to this world?
Yes, I think so.
