A lot of days I feel like I'm not doing enough, not playing enough, not crafting enough, just not enough. As though my children are deprived because I haven't knocked out 12 Pinterest crafts this week. (or any if we are being honest) I feel like there is a clock ticking away and I have to cram in as much as possible. AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. I have to prove my love for my girls in crafts, perfectly decorated rooms and birthday parties that make other moms kick it up a notch. The time is passing so quickly these days. My sweet girls are growing up so fast. I look at Sadie and Ella and I have no understanding where the time went. Our life is flying by at warp speed and I'm pretty sure it's not slowing down any time soon. What memories will my girls be left with? What memories will I be left with? Will I remember how amazing Ella is right now? Will Ella remember dancing with me in the mirror and begging for Sadie to dance with us?
I read a friends blog in June of last year, it was just after mom passed and it really struck me. It was about how her babies were growing so quickly she feared she may only hold those precious memories in photos. I read it again today after seeing another friend post almost the same thing on facebook. Maybe everyone feels like this. That crazed feeling like you need to pause life. The feeling that you must take this moment and hug your babies because they are growing this very second. They will never be this little again. Oh that sentence breaks the heart, their precious days as littles are numbered and soon they will be big and not need us. They will not need to be held and rocked just as strongly as they need to be fed. They will not "need snuggle". They will not need or want to hold my hand just because we are walking to the kitchen.
I gave up mommy guilt for Lent. I'm not Catholic but I'm pretty sure I got that wrong. I'm fairly certain you are supposed to give up something you'll miss & I won't miss that, but I needed a starting place and Lent seemed perfect. So of course I still have some mommy guilt but for the most part, the grace of God has allowed me to slay most of those guilt dragons. Now when I start to feel guilty about what I didn't do, I think about what we did. Our daily WINS. The truth is, memories aren't made of big moments, they are a compilation of a thousand small ones. So now I try to memorize how my sweet, not yet 3 year old dances in the hallway. I try to memorize how the body of my sweet infant relaxes in my arms because she knows she is home there. I try etch the images on my brain so that we all remember, me the littleness of them and they that they were and are so very loved.
I have a unique perspective of this. I've kind of seen through the looking glass. I got to experience both the newness of motherhood at the same time I saw the mind at the end of it's time. So here's what I know. Losing mom little by little made me cherish all the memories I had of our time together, road trips, sharing a pizza after a football game, the hugs...so so many hugs, the forehead kisses, wrapping me in toilet paper so I could be a mummy for Halloween, watching our shows together, her hand on my head checking for a fever. All of them little, seemingly insignificant moments but those are the ones that come to mind when I think about my mom. Another thing I learned is that there is not a day that goes by that I don't need my mother. My dad too. Not a single day.
I read a friends blog in June of last year, it was just after mom passed and it really struck me. It was about how her babies were growing so quickly she feared she may only hold those precious memories in photos. I read it again today after seeing another friend post almost the same thing on facebook. Maybe everyone feels like this. That crazed feeling like you need to pause life. The feeling that you must take this moment and hug your babies because they are growing this very second. They will never be this little again. Oh that sentence breaks the heart, their precious days as littles are numbered and soon they will be big and not need us. They will not need to be held and rocked just as strongly as they need to be fed. They will not "need snuggle". They will not need or want to hold my hand just because we are walking to the kitchen.
I gave up mommy guilt for Lent. I'm not Catholic but I'm pretty sure I got that wrong. I'm fairly certain you are supposed to give up something you'll miss & I won't miss that, but I needed a starting place and Lent seemed perfect. So of course I still have some mommy guilt but for the most part, the grace of God has allowed me to slay most of those guilt dragons. Now when I start to feel guilty about what I didn't do, I think about what we did. Our daily WINS. The truth is, memories aren't made of big moments, they are a compilation of a thousand small ones. So now I try to memorize how my sweet, not yet 3 year old dances in the hallway. I try to memorize how the body of my sweet infant relaxes in my arms because she knows she is home there. I try etch the images on my brain so that we all remember, me the littleness of them and they that they were and are so very loved.
I have a unique perspective of this. I've kind of seen through the looking glass. I got to experience both the newness of motherhood at the same time I saw the mind at the end of it's time. So here's what I know. Losing mom little by little made me cherish all the memories I had of our time together, road trips, sharing a pizza after a football game, the hugs...so so many hugs, the forehead kisses, wrapping me in toilet paper so I could be a mummy for Halloween, watching our shows together, her hand on my head checking for a fever. All of them little, seemingly insignificant moments but those are the ones that come to mind when I think about my mom. Another thing I learned is that there is not a day that goes by that I don't need my mother. My dad too. Not a single day.
Watching my mom lose herself a piece at a time was both excruciating and enlightening, but one thing was always there....seemingly at the tip of her consciousnesses. She was a mother. At one stage she would rock a baby doll and she seemed to be singing. At others she would scold an invisible misbehaving child. And towards the end she would reach out, big smile plastered on her face, and delight in watching Ella. She remembered the love, the small insignificant moments that made up her life, loving & raising another. I don't know exactly what was happening in that worn out, broken brain she was living with, but I can assure you, those memories of your children that you cherish NEVER leave a mothers heart or mind, even when so so much has been stripped away. It was almost as if that was the last of her mind to go, the memories where her children were young was what was protected above all else.
So when life starts getting rushed or stressed and you catch yourself feeling like you aren't doing enough, or your kids childhood isn't enough, or you can't possibly remember all the tiny details about your precious littles, know that you will remember the love. And so will they. And isn't THAT enough?
So when life starts getting rushed or stressed and you catch yourself feeling like you aren't doing enough, or your kids childhood isn't enough, or you can't possibly remember all the tiny details about your precious littles, know that you will remember the love. And so will they. And isn't THAT enough?
