Almost Home for Mother's Day......my ongoing struggle with this day.

The past two times we have had Sadie in the car it has been a NIGHTMARE.  I'm not exaggerating people, constant screaming.  Like night of the living dead screaming.  The other day we had a 40 minute round trip and Sadie slept like an angel for the first 10 then screamed like you were ripping off body parts for the remaining 30.  On our way up the hill I found myself chanting, half to her & half to me, "You're almost home. You're almost  home. You're almost home. You're almost home."

Before I even realized what was happening, I was taking the first set of big curves on Loudon (holla WV friends) with gigantic tears in my eyes. Hello? Dangerous? (OK friends, google this road) You don't know this, but last June I said the same thing to Mom.  She was laying there, in the best bedding I could find, trying to hold on to Chip and I but preparing to meet The King and all I could say was, "You're almost home, You're almost home. You're almost Home."  

And then, after hours of me BEGGING The Father, but before I was ready to let her go, she was Home.

She. Was. HOME.

And I was left in this world without her.

What?

A world without my MOM?

As I drove up Loudon Heights, I was trying to figure out why I was connecting these things in my mind.  I knew that connection wasn't from me.  What was He trying to tell me??  Honestly, I still don't know. Hello anticlimactic post!  Ha! Mom is still with me? Jesus is guiding me? Can I please just get the Christian Cliff Notes?  I don't understand!! Anyone with a direct line to Jesus can chime in at any time.

I do know that this weekend is bittersweet for a LOT of people besides just me.  I know that my sweet Mom's first Mother's Day in heaven is going to be spectacular, but my first Mother's Day on earth without her will royally suck. I refuse to attend church.  I know what Mother's Day in a church consists of, and honestly, I want NO part of it.  It is painful if you have lost your mother. It is painful if you are trying to become a mother but are having trouble. It is painful if you are a mother and your babies are in the arms of The Father. It's painful for everyone who isn't your "typical" mom.  I love Jesus.  I want no part of a Mother's Day service at church.  *any church*

As you are preparing for Mother's Day, I ask you to remember that there may be people you know who have a really hard time on this day.  Pray for them.  Reach out to them. LOVE ON THEM. If you have to leave YOUR family to visit someone else's mother, do it.  You may be glorifying the Father.

Whatever your circumstance.  Know that JESUS knows you & your heart.  If you can't talk to anyone else on this day, know that you can be 100% honest with Him.

If Mother's Day is hard for you, please call me.  If you live close, come to my home!  You do not have to hurt alone.

You Remember The Love

A lot of days I feel like I'm not doing enough, not playing enough, not crafting enough, just not enough.  As though my children are deprived because I haven't knocked out 12 Pinterest crafts this week. (or any if we are being honest) I feel like there is a clock ticking away and I have to cram in as much as possible. AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. I have to prove my love for my girls in crafts, perfectly decorated rooms and birthday parties that make other moms kick it up a notch.  The time is passing so quickly these days.  My sweet girls are growing up so fast.  I look at Sadie and Ella and I have no understanding where the time went.  Our life is flying by at warp speed and I'm pretty sure it's not slowing down any time soon.  What memories will my girls be left with?  What memories will I be left with?  Will I remember how amazing Ella is right now? Will Ella remember dancing with me in the mirror and begging for Sadie to dance with us?

I read a friends blog in June of last year, it was just after mom passed and it really struck me. It was about how her babies were growing so quickly she feared she may only hold those precious memories in photos. I read it again today after seeing another friend post almost the same thing on facebook.  Maybe everyone feels like this. That crazed feeling like you need to pause life. The feeling that you must take this moment and hug your babies because they are growing this very second.  They will never be this little again.  Oh that sentence breaks the heart, their precious days as littles are numbered and soon they will be big and not need us. They will not need to be held and rocked just as strongly as they need to be fed.  They will not "need snuggle".  They will not need or want to hold my hand just because we are walking to the kitchen.

I gave up mommy guilt for Lent.  I'm not Catholic but I'm pretty sure I got that wrong.  I'm fairly certain you are supposed to give up something you'll miss & I won't miss that, but I needed a starting place and Lent seemed perfect.  So of course I still have some mommy guilt but for the most part, the grace of God has allowed me to slay most of those guilt dragons.  Now when I start to feel guilty about what I didn't do, I think about what we did.  Our daily WINS. The truth is, memories aren't made of big moments, they are a compilation of a thousand small ones.  So now I try to memorize how my sweet, not yet 3 year old dances in the hallway. I try to memorize how the body of my sweet infant relaxes in my arms because she knows she is home there. I try etch the images on my brain so that we all remember, me the littleness of them and they that they were and are so very loved.

I have a unique perspective of this.  I've kind of seen through the looking glass.  I got to experience both the newness of motherhood at the same time I saw the mind at the end of it's time. So here's what I know. Losing mom little by little made me cherish all the memories I had of our time together, road trips, sharing a pizza after a football game, the hugs...so so many hugs, the forehead kisses,  wrapping me in toilet paper so I could be a mummy for Halloween, watching our shows together, her hand on my head checking for a fever. All of them little, seemingly insignificant moments but those are the ones that come to mind when I think about my mom.  Another thing I learned is that there is not a day that goes by that I don't need my mother. My dad too. Not a single day.

Watching my mom lose herself a piece at a time was both excruciating and enlightening, but one thing was always there....seemingly at the tip of her consciousnesses.  She was a mother.  At one stage she would rock a baby doll and she seemed to be singing.  At others she would scold an invisible misbehaving child.  And towards the end she would reach out, big smile plastered on her face, and delight in watching Ella. She remembered the love, the small insignificant moments that made up her life, loving & raising another. I don't know exactly what was happening in that worn out, broken brain she was living with, but I can assure you, those memories of your children that you cherish NEVER leave a mothers heart or mind, even when so so much has been stripped away.  It was almost as if that was the last of her mind to go, the memories where her children were young was what was protected above all else.

So when life starts getting rushed or stressed and you catch yourself feeling like you aren't doing enough, or your kids childhood isn't enough, or you can't possibly remember all the tiny details about your precious littles, know that you will remember the love.  And so will they.  And isn't THAT enough?

Lets pretend shall we?

We are going to pretend that it hasn't been a year, *A YEAR* since the last post. If you know us, you know 2013 was the kind of year that you get a medal for surviving because it was a lot. Such an understatement.  So, you wanna see my medal??

Best. Metal. Ever.

Something else happened during 2013, my sweet Ella turned into a little girl.  She went to bed one night a baby and woke up a girl. It's insane. See, look how big she is...

What tha what???

So here's an update of our new mountain life.

Ella:
She started preschool and has been thriving there!!!
She has a big girl room that she will proudly show you if you come visit.
She loves being a big sister.
She misses our beloved Fanny and every stuffed pug on earth is now named Fanny
She LOVES preforming. Singing, dancing, acting, all of it. She will even sit us down so she has an audience.
She is the kindest little girl & quite shy in new environments.

Sadie:
She was born.
She has awful reflux.
She smiles A LOT when she's not hurting
She screams A LOT when she is hurting
She loves cuddling

Here's what's new with Scott & I:
Zeal Wellness gave me my life back
MOPS & Thursday Bible Study saved my sanity.
I am ready to adopt a dog. Well I'm ready to adopt 4, but want to stay married so I'm just adding one....for now.
I am trying to slowly but surely make our house a home but secretly wish HGTV would just show up and surprise me! (This is a hint people.  Someone, anyone, get HGTV here!)
Scott is gearing up for Spring Ball and adjusting to a life surrounded by women!!!

Now that I got the first one out of the way, hopefully I can resume keeping our family & friends up to date on our crazy lives out here in the Mountain State!!