No Words.

My Dad died on Wednesday.  Even as I type that it doesn't seem real.  He can't be gone, he just can't, we need him too much, I need him too much.

I talked to my Dad almost everyday, mostly about nothing.  It is hard now to even see my phone, the mere sight of it makes me sick to my stomach because I know I will never hear his voice on the other end again.  I cherish those calls though, mostly I cherish the fact that I knew he would always answer.....always. 

My Dad I have always been close, we've gone through our share of hard times but we never stopped our phone conversations.  At one point, we lived 820 miles apart, but we were only a few buttons on the phone away from each other.

I did not have a "normal" childhood.  As the daughter of a High School football coach things were just different in our home.  When I was a little girl I played with the same toys as other girls, it was how I played with those toys that was different.  While most girls were posing Ken as a groom, I was lining him up under center (the offensive line was made up of my little ponies), and I was busy designing an offense. The defense was made up almost exclusively of stolen soldiers, star wars & other boyish action figures....a coaches kid always appreciates a tough defense! Quality time with Dad was watering a football field, painting hash marks, hanging up clean jerseys in numerical order & seeding the new field in Caddo.  I loved that time with my Dad and feel grateful to have such fun and unique memories.

Like playing on the field after your Dad coaches the All-Star Game...

There was a downside, coaches are busy people and my Dad was gone A LOT.  I think as the years passed he regretted time lost.  My Dad was known for saying "Never Be Satisfied"  and he was not, so he made changes.

My Dad moved to Falconhead in 2008 to be closer to my brother, Chip & I and to live his dream of living on a golf course and playing as much golf as he could.  The last 3 years have been a blessing, and my Dad did what most people never make the time to do.....he made up for 30 years of lost time with 3 years of hard loving.  I can't separate memories of my Dad with the last 3 years, he was here for everything.

golf...

announcing our engagement...

golf...

SE football...

golf...

2 weddings (to the same man, 1 destination & 1 at Falconhead)...

golf...

announcing the fact that Ella was coming, and then Ella's arrival and every sweet moment after.


Ella was the light of my Dad's life.  I have never seen a love like that, and it was very clear the feeling was mutual.  He could spend hours just watching her smile at him, he LOVED when she started talking to him. She would smile the second he walked in the room.  One of the great joys of my life will always be watching the father I loved so dearly love on my daughter.  I am saddened beyond words that she will know him only through stories, pictures and videos but I am incredibly grateful that I had the chance to watch them together for 6 months.

There are no words to describe how much I love my Dad.  No words to describe the overwhelming pain in my heart and how empty I feel.  No words to say how grateful I am for the time he & Ella had together.  And no words to describe how proud I am to be his daughter.

I will, in a lot of ways, always be the little girl who misses her Dad & longs for one more hug...

The only words I can come up with are...  I love you Dad & I will miss you every single day until I see you again.