You Remember The Love

A lot of days I feel like I'm not doing enough, not playing enough, not crafting enough, just not enough.  As though my children are deprived because I haven't knocked out 12 Pinterest crafts this week. (or any if we are being honest) I feel like there is a clock ticking away and I have to cram in as much as possible. AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. I have to prove my love for my girls in crafts, perfectly decorated rooms and birthday parties that make other moms kick it up a notch.  The time is passing so quickly these days.  My sweet girls are growing up so fast.  I look at Sadie and Ella and I have no understanding where the time went.  Our life is flying by at warp speed and I'm pretty sure it's not slowing down any time soon.  What memories will my girls be left with?  What memories will I be left with?  Will I remember how amazing Ella is right now? Will Ella remember dancing with me in the mirror and begging for Sadie to dance with us?

I read a friends blog in June of last year, it was just after mom passed and it really struck me. It was about how her babies were growing so quickly she feared she may only hold those precious memories in photos. I read it again today after seeing another friend post almost the same thing on facebook.  Maybe everyone feels like this. That crazed feeling like you need to pause life. The feeling that you must take this moment and hug your babies because they are growing this very second.  They will never be this little again.  Oh that sentence breaks the heart, their precious days as littles are numbered and soon they will be big and not need us. They will not need to be held and rocked just as strongly as they need to be fed.  They will not "need snuggle".  They will not need or want to hold my hand just because we are walking to the kitchen.

I gave up mommy guilt for Lent.  I'm not Catholic but I'm pretty sure I got that wrong.  I'm fairly certain you are supposed to give up something you'll miss & I won't miss that, but I needed a starting place and Lent seemed perfect.  So of course I still have some mommy guilt but for the most part, the grace of God has allowed me to slay most of those guilt dragons.  Now when I start to feel guilty about what I didn't do, I think about what we did.  Our daily WINS. The truth is, memories aren't made of big moments, they are a compilation of a thousand small ones.  So now I try to memorize how my sweet, not yet 3 year old dances in the hallway. I try to memorize how the body of my sweet infant relaxes in my arms because she knows she is home there. I try etch the images on my brain so that we all remember, me the littleness of them and they that they were and are so very loved.

I have a unique perspective of this.  I've kind of seen through the looking glass.  I got to experience both the newness of motherhood at the same time I saw the mind at the end of it's time. So here's what I know. Losing mom little by little made me cherish all the memories I had of our time together, road trips, sharing a pizza after a football game, the hugs...so so many hugs, the forehead kisses,  wrapping me in toilet paper so I could be a mummy for Halloween, watching our shows together, her hand on my head checking for a fever. All of them little, seemingly insignificant moments but those are the ones that come to mind when I think about my mom.  Another thing I learned is that there is not a day that goes by that I don't need my mother. My dad too. Not a single day.

Watching my mom lose herself a piece at a time was both excruciating and enlightening, but one thing was always there....seemingly at the tip of her consciousnesses.  She was a mother.  At one stage she would rock a baby doll and she seemed to be singing.  At others she would scold an invisible misbehaving child.  And towards the end she would reach out, big smile plastered on her face, and delight in watching Ella. She remembered the love, the small insignificant moments that made up her life, loving & raising another. I don't know exactly what was happening in that worn out, broken brain she was living with, but I can assure you, those memories of your children that you cherish NEVER leave a mothers heart or mind, even when so so much has been stripped away.  It was almost as if that was the last of her mind to go, the memories where her children were young was what was protected above all else.

So when life starts getting rushed or stressed and you catch yourself feeling like you aren't doing enough, or your kids childhood isn't enough, or you can't possibly remember all the tiny details about your precious littles, know that you will remember the love.  And so will they.  And isn't THAT enough?

Lets pretend shall we?

We are going to pretend that it hasn't been a year, *A YEAR* since the last post. If you know us, you know 2013 was the kind of year that you get a medal for surviving because it was a lot. Such an understatement.  So, you wanna see my medal??

Best. Metal. Ever.

Something else happened during 2013, my sweet Ella turned into a little girl.  She went to bed one night a baby and woke up a girl. It's insane. See, look how big she is...

What tha what???

So here's an update of our new mountain life.

Ella:
She started preschool and has been thriving there!!!
She has a big girl room that she will proudly show you if you come visit.
She loves being a big sister.
She misses our beloved Fanny and every stuffed pug on earth is now named Fanny
She LOVES preforming. Singing, dancing, acting, all of it. She will even sit us down so she has an audience.
She is the kindest little girl & quite shy in new environments.

Sadie:
She was born.
She has awful reflux.
She smiles A LOT when she's not hurting
She screams A LOT when she is hurting
She loves cuddling

Here's what's new with Scott & I:
Zeal Wellness gave me my life back
MOPS & Thursday Bible Study saved my sanity.
I am ready to adopt a dog. Well I'm ready to adopt 4, but want to stay married so I'm just adding one....for now.
I am trying to slowly but surely make our house a home but secretly wish HGTV would just show up and surprise me! (This is a hint people.  Someone, anyone, get HGTV here!)
Scott is gearing up for Spring Ball and adjusting to a life surrounded by women!!!

Now that I got the first one out of the way, hopefully I can resume keeping our family & friends up to date on our crazy lives out here in the Mountain State!!

Faith Persevering in Trial

That was the title of my Bible study yesterday morning, "Faith Persevering in Trial."   The passage of scripture to be read was Psalm 40: 1-10.  My heart didn't get past verse 3. 

40 I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
² He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
³ He has put a new song in my mouth—
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the Lord.

*emphasis is mine*

First my thoughts went to my families' current situation.  Always thinking about myself first.  My eyes locked in on "And establish my steps."  I just thought "yes. YES LORD!  Please establish my steps through this move, this marriage, this life!"  I probably read that line a hundred times if I read it once.  Then I went into mommy-mode and the verse and the power it holds was forgotten in the diapers, the house-selling worry, and the chores.

Today I read my Bible study. It was talking about God being a loving father, who wanted to run to us and wanted us to cry out to him with the desires of our hearts.  So I did.  I told him how I wanted my family under the same roof, I told him how I just wanted to stay home with Ella and my Mom & enjoy this season of our life and not have to work or worry about bills.  Man I was specific, I even told him how he could do it....."just like $200,000 in the lotto Lord".  I'm an idiot sometimes.  But my heart went another direction....it led me back to Psalm 40.

I read it again.  

40 I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
² He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
³ He has put a new song in my mouth—
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the Lord.

*emphasis is mine*

This time I thought about the 27 families in Connecticut.  (yes I included the shooters family).  I thought of all those broken hearts. I can't think of a better description of what those families might be going through than being stuck in miry clay in a horrible pit.  That really paints a picture doesn't it.  Grief so thick, so suffocating that it's like clay holding you in a HORRIBLE pit.....because a regular pit isn't bad enough.  

I thought how many of us have shed tears and how there has been finger pointing and gnashing of teeth on Facebook.  Gun debates.  Prayer in School debates.  I thought of how I was made fun of, and called "ridiculous" for my belief that chasing God out of our schools with a stick was probably not a smart move.

It made me think of this beloved country too....it sure feels like we are stuck neck deep in some miry clay in a horrible pit too doesn't it?  Christians are being made fun of, mocked for crying out to God, our "leaders" couldn't find the broad side of a barn if their life depended on it and we can't find 10 people who agree on anything from gun control to taxes.  

I tell you this though.  We have hope.  We have HOPE!  We don't have to be stuck anymore.  

40 I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
² He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
³ He has put a new song in my mouth—
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the Lord.

*emphasis is mine*

He will hear our cries, He will establish our steps, He will put a new song in our mouths and here is the great part.....MANY WILL SEE IT AND FEAR AND WILL TRUST IN THE LORD!!!!  

Now if that doesn't sound amazing I don't know what does.  We can't be silent anymore, we have to sing the new praises God puts in our hearts.  Otherwise nobody will hear it.  Here is how I'm starting.  This humble blog post.  I hope I hear the new song in your heart in the days and weeks to come.  He wants to bring us out of the miry clay in the horrible pit.  He wants to ESTABLISH OUR STEPS.  Lord knows I need that. This country needs that.  Those families in CT need that.   

Praise to our God!

 

Thankfulness

I was having a hard time focusing on work this morning.  I miss my monkey.  Ella has been home with me since Wednesday & I loved every second, I didn't want it to end, but it had to.  Work beckoned & the bank account begged.  I sat at my computer dutifully working while my heart runs around, out of sight at Ms. Lacy's house, then news came that rocked my soul. 

The 10 year old son of the Sports Information Director at Abilene Christian University died.  It was expected, he had battled a brain tumor for 2 years.  Yes, he is no longer in pain, and is now being held in the loving arms of Christ Himself and that is reason to rejoice.  Yet, my heart is broken for his parents.  The ache they will carry with them for the rest of their days is unimaginable to me.  I don't know them and I only know of them because he worked in the Lone Star Conference.  Even so, they haven't left my mind all morning. 

I have been posting on Facebook things I am thankful for this month.  Today I am so thankful that sweet Ella is healthy.  Thankful I can hug her.  Thankful that my workday will end and once again I will be reunited with that smiling face in a matter of hours.  I am also thankful that this family will be reunited. The following is a excerpt from an article (go here to read the full article), written before Rex passed where the parents Lance and Jill talk about having a conversation with Rex....

  “I think the thing we’ve known from the start of this, because Rex was baptized when he was 7, he has a relationship with Jesus Christ. It’s real. For a 9- or 10-year-old little boy, it’s real. He knows what’s going on. So the comforting thing for Jill and I is, even if he passes away, we know where he’ll be. We know he’ll be safe. We know he’ll be. (Jill chimes in “He’ll be in a place where he doesn’t want to come back.”) We told him, you’re not going to miss us. You’re not going to miss mommy and daddy or Ashley or Ryan or your grandparents or your friends, anything, because you’re going to be in a place where you don’t think about us. We told him, because this is our belief, that it’s going to be a matter of a couple of seconds before we’re there with him.”

“And (Rex) says, ‘For y’all, it’ll be like a thousand years,’” Jill added.

I hope you'll join me in praying for this family.  I know I'll be hugging Ella a little more when she gets home, and my heart will be filled with thanks that I can & broken because another family cannot.  

The week that marked a year.

Friday will be one year.  365 days.  How can one year have gone so fast and dragged by so slowly.  How could I have changed so much and so little. 

I heard a quote the other day that touched my heart.  Have you ever had that?  You hear a quote or the lyric to a song and you can feel God reach inside and write the words on your soul.  That happened the other day.  "Don't lay down in your problems."  I don't know the name of the woman who said it, I think she was a guest on the Today Show, but her words were instantly written on my heart.

I laid down in my problems.  No, I grabbed some blankets and a king size bed and I snuggled on up in my problems.  It was easy to do.  Mom has dementia, Dad dropped dead, weeks without work because it's an election year and my chosen profession is an election topic, raising a kid, blah, blah, blah......I just laid down.  To be honest with you, and myself, I didn't just lay their, I also allowed the words of the devil to lay there with me.  You know the thoughts you get in those weak moments...."Why is HER life so easy when mine is so hard?"  "I can't believe he is complaining about that, look at what I'M going through."  I let the enemy in and I laid down in my problems with him.

When I heard that woman utter the words above, it snapped, like a hot rubber band on the back of my neck.  Then the name of a woman I've never met popped into my head, this wasn't the first time I thought of her, but this time God used her to put me in my place.  I don't want to disclose too much because I don't know her, but in the span of a few short months she lost her husband in service to our country, had their baby without him, then lost her mom.  I cried. I asked for forgiveness. I prayed for her.  I was ashamed of myself. Still am. 

In the weeks since that day I have started to notice things.  I felt like Saul, all of the sudden I could see.  I see the pain others are facing instead of focusing on mine.  I focus on my blessings instead of my trials more and more. 

Today I spent all day snuggling with my sweet baby girl.  That is a gift.  I heard her say "mamma".  That is a gift.  I saw her run to me.  That is a gift.  I watched her play in the bathtub.  That is a gift.  I talked to my brother.  That is a gift. My wonderful husband walked through the door safe & sound.  That is a gift.  I had friends and family tell me they are praying for me.  That is a gift.  I could go on like this for a while, but you get the point. 

My Dad has been gone a year this Friday.  I miss him.  I cry.  But I refuse to lay down in my sorrow for one more second.  I have too many blessings waiting for me. 

"When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings. Wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be disheartened, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done. "

Parenting on PURPOSE

The recent story about the news anchor getting an email referring to her weight kind of pushed me over the edge.  I struggle with judgmental thoughts, and sometimes they get the best of me, but what makes someone think they have the right to say that to another person?

Has bullying in schools become so bad because PARENTS say the same type of things in front of their children, thereby making it okay?  What happened to TEACHING KINDNESS & COMPASSION!?!?!?!  

I wrote the above prior to doing my weekly Bible study.  Once a week I sit with some of the physically prettiest ladies God put on His earth, and do you know what we do?  We study the Bible & use Beth Moore's book "So Long Insecurity" and we are weeding our lives of insecurity because God didn't make us that way.  He did not make us weak and frail, He made us like this..."She is clothed with strength and dignity: she can laugh at the days to come." -Proverbs 31:25  For some reason however, each of us has been beat up by a world that is not our home and now we have the scars of insecurity to prove it.  Lord knows I have struggled with insecurity most, if not all of, my life.  As I was doing my Bible study tonight it kind of all fell together.  Maybe bullying is so bad because we are living in a world that makes us hate ourselves.  What happens when you hate yourself?  It's a heck of a lot easier to lash out at others.  Maybe we pick at or point out in them what we hate in ourselves.  Maybe we judge them on what makes us feel insecure.  Whatever the reason, it's like putting a band-aid on a sucking belly wound. 

I have caught myself more times than I'd like to admit saying something nasty about someone, or thinking something mean, or judging the motives of someone all I guess in an effort to make myself feel better.  I let myself get away with that crap for a long time.  It took having the eyes of a little girl looking straight up at me to teach her the world for me to realize that I needed some serious help. Okay, that's not really true.  I knew I needed help, it took having Ella for me to get help.  I don't think I'm alone....I think there are a whole lot of us that need help.  Our poor kids need help, their parents need help, our teachers need help, our sad & lonely world needs help.

Here is what has helped me morph into a significantly more secure person in week 8 of this 10 week study than I was week 1.  First, even though I came by a lot of my insecurities honestly, they don't define who I am.  God does.  Secondly, He didn't make me to be insecure.  He clothed me with strength and dignity.  Rest assured, He did the same for you.  Lastly, is the one He has been popping me on the head with for several weeks now, and the one I know our children need to understand, He made each of us in HIS image.
If you are still reading this, maybe you felt like me.  Maybe you have moments in the car where you are really nasty to another driver, or you see someone in public and criticize them (in your head, I know we are much to nice and Southern to say that to someone's face), I sure know I do that sometimes.  Now, God has been calling me out to remind myself that that person who I am thinking so lowly of.....THAT person was made in God's image.  That is the message I want to teach my daughter.  The girl at school that the other kids are calling fat....yep, made in His image. The one they call a slut...made in His image. The boy at school who "acts gay".....made in His image.  The lady sitting next to you at the restaurant who is overweight....still in His image.  The old man driving oh so slowly in front of you.....made in His image. 

"No matter how our beliefs may differ, you were created in the image of God and therefore possess a dignity that deserves my respect."  - Beth Moore (& now Beth Courter)

I hope those words touch your heart like they touched mine.  I want to teach my daughter this.  I want her to live this.  I want to live this.  I wonder what our schools and our world would look like if we all tried this for a week, a month, a year.  I know she is looking at me.....I don't have a choice.  I have to parent with a purpose, because she is my purpose.  God is my purpose. 

Being a Mom is AMAZING! Except for the times it sucks.

I love being Ella's mom.  It is all I dreamed being a mom would be and I wouldn't change it FOR A SECOND.  But let's be honest, being a parent is hard.....harder than I imagined.  I think it's hard at every stage; from squishy tiny human stage to "can I borrow your car" stage and beyond. (I can hear you seasoned parents giggling at my epiphany)  Thank Goodness I have God's grace to get through each day, there is NO WAY I could do this whole, raising a human thing without Him.  Lest we forget the awesomeness & the suckyness of the current season of our life, here is a snapshot of our lives these days!

AMAZING PARTS!
*  Ella is fully mobile & loves to climb! (some days this goes in the SUCKY category)
*  Our girl is talking!  Words she says are:  "Mama", "Dada", "NO" (usually "Um, no."), "Oh wow", "Uh Oh", "Kitty", "Drink".  One of the cutest things is when she says "Mama" really loud and then kind of whispers "Dada"
*  Ella loves to help!  Her favorite ways to help are; putting her dirty clothes in the laundry, turning off lights, picking up her toys before bathtime (this is a fight some days but usually she enjoys it), shutting doors and gates, locking the front door and putting clothes in the dryer
*  She is signing the words "please",  "more", "thank you" & "down" .  I have noticed a decrease in her frustration level since she learned these signs. My frustration level has also decreased! :)  She also really enjoys doing the flashcards with mommy.
*  Ella loves to read!  One of the most wonderful parts of the day is when she walks over and grabs a book from the pile and turns around.....she has the biggest smile as she walks back to me, so proud of herself.  It's one of those moments I want to bottle up and keep forever.
* She is VERY MUCH her own person!  She likes things that are not things she has seen Scott or I enjoy...she just genuinely likes them.   Her favorite things are currently: anything pink, SHOES!, big trucks, car commercials, and did I mention she really likes shoes??
* Her favorite TV show is Bubble Guppies, she even does a dance when it comes on, she gets so excited.  She also loves Pajanimals and the movie Finding Nemo.  Yes, I am fully aware that the American Academy of Pediatrics says No TV Until Age 2.  That is awesome & I would LOVE to follow that (she only gets about 20 minutes of TV a day, max) but if I want to get a shower or make dinner, she gets to watch Bubble Guppies.  I've tried calling Pediatricians offices to see if they will come watch her so I can cook or shower, but no one seems to be willing....so alas, she gets some TV.
* Ella's favorite things are Fanny, her stuffed monkey and her burpie.  Every single morning when Ella wakes up, she looks for Fanny.  When people come to the house, she runs to Fanny and shows them her best friend....almost an introduction.  
* Ella loves animals.....ALL animals.
* Our sweet girl has a kind heart & a feisty spirit.  I pray she keeps both. 

SUCKY PARTS
* Fit throwing.  Now, it doesn't happen that often, but when it does, it blows.
* Having to hurt her feelings when I discipline her.  I HATE hurting her feelings but I'm her parent, not her bestie.  My prayer is that if I do the former well enough, the latter will happen on it's own. 
* Not having any free help.  My brother is the only family we have close and he helps us, but he also works A LOT! I can't imagine how much easier it would be if we had grandparents or siblings that lived even an hour or two away!!!  That is not our life though, so we make do!
* Not having the time or money to all the things we want to do with her, and make all the memories we want to.

So, that's our crazy life......and I wouldn't change it for anything.